The next several blogs are going to focus on the Emotional Universe.  My intention is to familiarize you with the emotional neighborhood that resides within you so that you can be more present to what you are feeling and how to harness those feelings.  I am going to begin with one of the most difficult emotions to harness, Anger. It’s probably the most powerful force after love and fear. It is responsible for much of the destruction we see around us, both in our personal lives and in our global community.

Whether you are in touch with it or not, express it or not, the truth is that anger is a natural reaction living inside all of us. On the deepest level, it generally arises out of a feeling of fear or threat. But more often than not we are out of touch with the threat and are more in touch with some sense of feeling betrayed, disappointed, frustrated, violated, abused, hurt, controlled, neglected, or disrespected.   Typically, there are three ways in which anger gets expressed: directly and aggressively toward the “offending” individual; indirectly and passively toward the “offending”  individual;  or inwardly toward yourself (passive).  The way you experience and express your anger depends on your innate personality and on your childhood home environment.

In order to learn how to manage your anger, you first need to identify your relationship to anger.  Do you express your anger aggressively, passive aggressively, or passively?

To find out how you express anger you need to recognize the tell tale physical and emotional signs of anger.  Below is a description of the ways in which the three different types of anger get felt and expressed.

If you express your anger directly and aggressively you may experience the following:

Physically:

• hot in the neck/face
• increased and rapid heart rate
• pacing
• sweating, especially your palms
• shaking or trembling
• acting in an abusive or abrasive manner
• beginning to yell, scream, or cry

Emotionally you may feel:

• resentful
• rage
• out of control
• anxious
• like striking out verbally or physically

If you express it passive aggressively you have learned not to allow yourself to feel anger.  Your anger is likely to appear as follows:

Physically:

• Denial or rationalization about your behavior
• Getting sarcastic
• An impulse to get away from the situation
• Rubbing your head
• Becoming silent or withholding
• Isolating
• Compulsive eating, spending, cleaning, or sex
• Revenge fantasies

Emotionally:

• Irritated
• Resentful
• Fearful
• Dominated
• Powerless
• Sad or depressed
• Guilty

If you express your anger in a passive and self-inflicting way, you may experience:

Physically:

• Clenching your jaws or grinding your teeth
• Headache
• Stomach ache
• Some form of self mutilation; biting nails and picking on the cuticles, hitting something with bare fist, banging your head, etc.
• Increased and rapid heart rate
• Dizziness
• Beginning to cry
• Compulsive eating, spending, cleaning, or sex

Emotionally:

• Self-loathing
• Stupid
• Bad
• Sad or depressed
• Guilty

Which type of expression do you fit into?  If you can’t figure it out on your own, ask someone in your life to help you recognize your anger style.

Once you discover your style, you will be ready to apply my next blog’s discussion on how each style can express anger in a constructive way.

True, but honestly, are you in touch with love everyday of your life?

Before you answer this question, stop and examine the meaning of love.  For most of us, our idea of love arises out of what we learned from books and movies.  It’s an idea, a fantasy, and no matter how hard we try we can’t seem to experience it on a daily basis.  Now I am talking about romantic love.  Most of us are capable of staying in touch with our love for our children or our pets, no matter what they do.  It is our love for our partners that we struggle to stay connected with day in and day out.

I am sure you have wondered about this and probably come up with reasons of how your partner is lacking in some ways:  “If he was only more sensitive; she was smarter; he understood me; she was more sexual, on and on.”

The reality is: you are looking for your partner to give you something that you cannot receive, until you learn to give it to yourself.

Hardly any of us was shown consistently the kind of love that we are seeking: tender, caring, compassionate, forgiving, generous, accepting, thoughtful and patient .  It is a rare individual that was raised with unconditional love.  Yet we all want it.

We want it because deep inside we know how nourishing and fulfilling it is to be understood and validated for who we are.  The challenge is that the only way we can receive it from another is to be able to give to and receive it from ourselves.  I know you have heard that a million times, but I don’t know if you have heard it in a way that would actually make you pause and hear it on a cellular level.  You need to find a way to love yourself unconditionally; to give yourself all of the things you want to receive from your beloved.  Do you treat yourself in tender caring, compassionate, forgiving, generous, accepting, thoughtful and patient ways?

If you don’t, then you can’t expect others to treat you better than you treat yourself.  If you don’t, then you won’t be able to love others the way they want to be loved.

Recipe for loving yourself

• Begin with taking care of your health: eat well, exercise, get a good night sleep.
• Work on becoming self aware so that you will understand what makes you think, feel and act the way you do.
• Be kind,patient and forgiving with yourself.
• Surround yourself with positive energy and people.
• Challenge your fears and stretch yourself to become all you can be.
• Be true to yourself and don’t worry about what other people think about you.
• Discover what you are passionate about and create a way to generate abundant income.
• Watch the video on loving yourself.

Worry is one of the most unproductive, and often destructive feelings in our emotional universe.  The feelings associated with worry include fear, insecurity, agitation, irritability and an overall sense of restlessness.  The bodily sensations associated with fear may include tightness in the chest, palpitation and sweaty hands.  The thoughts are usually obsessive and difficult to shake.  Their content is almost always about the possible worst case scenario.  All of these experiences tend to hijack our attention and keep our minds completely distracted from what is occurring in the moment, leaving us in excruciating discomfort.

Why all this aggravation?  What’s the purpose of this feeling?

It is part of our survival mechanism.  There is a part of our brains that is programmed to always be anticipating problems and figure out solutions in advance.  Its purpose is to keep us safe.  Its need is to figure out all possible negative outcomes whether they will actually occur or not.  As a result, our minds worry or obsess about something that may or may not happen in the future, causing us severe distress in the present.  Additionally, while we are busy worrying about some future event, we are missing out on our present moment, with all it may have to offer us.

The reality is this mechanism is actually not serving us at all.  There are two constructive ways to handle a concern we may have about the future.

1. Think about whatever is concerning you and ask yourself: “Is there anything I can do about the situation right now that will change its outcome?”  For example, I am worried about the pain I have in my stomach that is not going away.   Or I am concerned about my child doing poorly on his test tomorrow.

In both of the above cases, there is something you can do about it: go to the doctor, or help your child study for the exam.  Then choose to do it and then let go.

2. When there is nothing you can do about the situation, e.g. waiting on test results from the doctor, or waiting to hear from your spouse who is late coming home, stop worrying  and  redirect yourself to the present moment.  You might say this is easier said then done, and that is true.  But given that worrying is not going to change the situation, and the outcome may not even turn out badly, what’s the point.   All you are accomplishing is making your life miserable in the moment.  In the unlikely event that the worst case scenario does occur, you will deal with it when you need to.

Rewiring this feeling in an important step in taking care of yourself and affirming your life.

One exercise which I like to give my clients to handle situations they have no control over is to ask them to picture the worry as an object.  Choose its shape and color.  Then find a “mental shelf” and put that worry on that shelf.  Go about your daily life and don’t attend to that shelf until the situation changes and there is actually something you can do about it.

If you take this on, overtime you will discover that it becomes your second nature to let go of something over which you have no control.  You will find that life is more peaceful and happy and free.

The irony is we are so caught up in the chatter of our own mind, we are unaware that everyone around us is plagued with similar doubts and fears. Imagine what your day to day life would be like if you operated with the knowledge that every person is essentially experiencing life not much differently than you are. What if you discovered your deepest darkest thoughts are not uniquely yours- no matter how bizarre or convoluted- most people have experienced similar or worse thoughts?  Whether you are angry, fearful, sad, jealous or insecure,  there is nothing your mind has come up with that has not been thought by a million others.

In my work, I have had the privilege of hearing it all; not only from my clients but from my own mind. Much of my work is focused on helping people recognize that most of their fears and insecurities are “normal.” The perception of “something is uniquely wrong with me,” is one of the primary causes of pain and suffering. People believe that other people have it all together; they are happy; they have what they want. I can assure you this perception is incorrect.

What keeps this belief alive  is the inauthenticity from which most of us are operating.  This began in our childhood; whenever we expressed negative thoughts we were chastised and made to feel like we were somehow bad for even feeling them.  We learned to keep our true feelings to ourselves and put on a phony face to the outside world.

Parents need to help their children feel that their feelings are normal.  They need to have the space to express them without fearing rejection or feeling bad.  Allowing children to feel their feelings and release them appropriately will help them feel more comfortable in their own skin and less afraid of being harshly judged.  Embracing their feelings will help them accept themselves unconditionally.

As I mentioned before, it is something I dreamed about doing my whole adult life, but somehow it lived in the fantasy state.  I would like for you to stop right now and think of what is that one thing that you have always wanted to do, but there is a part of you that doesn’t believe you ever will?  Continue to read after you think of something.  I have a feeling that it will not be as outrageous as jumping out of a plane:-)  So join me now on my adventure of making my dream a reality.

The decision to skydive on this trip in Kauai was not at all planned.  I was searching trip advisor for great things to do when I came across skydiving.  I began to read the reviews and I could feel my body contract with fear.  I decided to continue reading (there were over 30 reviews)  With each review I began to feel a little more the excitement and less of the fear of doing.  I started asking myself why not?  I knew this was a safe thing to do and that the fear was irrational.  I knew I really wanted to experience this and I knew that I really wanted to confront my fear around this.  As I was challenging my fears and insecurities, I finally asked myself if I am ever going to do this, I can’t imagine a better place to do it.  At that moment I decided to just act, commit.  I called the place and made the reservation for David and I.   I did not tell David because I wanted to surprise him for our 4th anniversary.  I knew he would love the idea and that it would be an amazing way for us to celebrate our adventurous relationship.  I chose the sunrise jump, knowing it would be the most romantic.  I actually ended up telling him about it a couple of days before we left since I wanted us to look forward to it together.

Our B&B was 1 hour and 40 min away from the airstrip.  On the fateful day, we got up @ 4:00 to get there by 6:30am.  The drive there was nerve wracking for me.  My heart was pounding, my hands were clammy and I was feeling quite fearful.  I verbalized my feelings to David, who remained calm and patient with me.  I could feel myself preparing my psyche and my body to go through this inevitable choice.  My mind kept telling me I don’t have to go through with this.  It kept urging me to cancel and flee this very uncomfortable feeling of terror, but I knew that it was my amygdala doing its fight/flight thing and I kept reminding myself that I want to do this and I am safe.

When we arrived at the airstrip, the place felt eery; it was dark, isolated and barren.  All I could see is open space, a really small

plane that could hardly fit a couple of people, and a little hut, which turned out to be the office.  There were a couple of people in this “office,” a woman on the phone, and a man seemingly running around getting things in order.  Neither was warm or engaging.  It was not what I expected since the reviews talked about how warm and soothing the staff was.  I could feel my anxiety rise again and the desire to flee returned.  Again I grounded myself with the reminder that I want to do this and it doesn’t matter if these people are not showing up the way I want.  I am here and I am going to follow through. David and I soothed each other and helped each other remain calm.

Finally, the person in charge came and immediately put us more at ease.  He answered some of our questions and informed us that they have 19 jumps that day so we are lucky to be the first.  I thought to myself, gosh these people do it so often it’s like crossing the street for them.   That thought was both comforting and scary.  Comforting because they must know what they are doing with so much experience.  Scary because maybe it is so automatic for them they may not be as present as they need to be and may make a mistake.  He then gave each of us a ton of papers to sign releasing them from any possible lawsuit.  It was insane, every page essentially said “you know that you are about to do something that can cause you great harm or kill you, and you are choosing to do it of your own accord.”  We had to initial every page and then he video taped us signing it, acknowledging that we are doing this voluntarily and releasing them from any lawsuits by our families.  It was almost comical.  If we didn’t run away from that ordeal, we knew nothing was going to stop us. We did not even waver when they informed us that the clouds were too dense and we had to wait until they dispersed to ensure that we could see the ground when we jump.

As I am writing this, I can feel my stomach contracting the way it did when I heard them say “we are ready”.

When we got on the plane, which barely contained the four of us and the pilot, a feeling of surrender came over me.  I marveled at the fact that if I had not been so scared of the jump, I probably would have been scared to enter this tiny little plane.  When it took off, the whole thing became somewhat surreal.  We could see the island get smaller and smaller.  We were climbing into the bright, sunrise-lit, golden clouds that reflected bright golden light on each of us.  It was both terrifying and awe-inspiring.  The fear was no longer affecting my thoughts.  I could feel it in my body, but it became something separate from me, Ronit.  I was clear that I am about to do something I have always wanted to do and that fear was not going to stop me.

As the door of the plane opened and David jumped with his partner, I watched with peace in my heart.  When it was our turn to dangle our feet over the plane before the moment of jumping, my system moved into some kind of numbness.  I think the fear was just too overwhelming and my system went into a freeze state.  As soon as we jumped though, the whole experience shifted into ecstasy.  I did not have a feeling of falling, even though we were plummeting at 120 miles an hour.  A feeling of AWE took over me as I looked all around and saw the beautiful sunrise and the earth below me.  We were in free fall for 30 seconds.  It felt more like 10 seconds.  It was one of the best experiences I have ever had.

When he pulled the chute open, there was a lot of jerking and disorientation and we flipped once.

It was veryunsettling, and just as suddenly I found myself suspended in the air.  At first I truly enjoyed the silence and the beauty all around me.  But then I grew nervous about the landing, in particular not wanting to land in the water.  Clearly my mind got reengaged as the feeling of threat entered my body again.  Not having the information that our skydivers have total control over where we land, I got hijacked by this thought and was unable to enjoy the rest of the experience.  However, when I saw David landing on the strip that we flew out of, I realized that these guys know exactly what they are doing and I was able to relax again and enjoy my landing.

When David and I hit the ground, it took us quite a while to feel the earth beneath our feet.  We were soaring for the next few hours.  The most important thing we realized is how fear steals our ability to remain present and fully experience every precious moment of life.  We knew that we could have enjoyed the experience so much more if we didn’t feel the fear.

Given that there is no way to avoid feeling fear when we experience something new and scary for the first time, we decided we are going to skydive again.  This way we will teach our bodies that there is nothing to be afraid of and we will be able to truly experience every moment.

Now let’s return to what you have always wanted to do but haven’t yet.  Would you reconsider?  Don’t let fear prevent you from experiencing and living your life to the fullest.  I am rooting for you!!

“The mind can be described as patterns in the flow of energy and information. The great thing about this definition is that it allows for you to look at how the flow of energy and information happens within one brain, as well as how energy and information flow between brains or among many brains, as in a family. You can see how the mind actually emerges not just from within one’s skull, but the human brain is actually an extremely social organ.”

What he is saying is that the human brain develops through its interpersonal relationships with others.  In other words, we influence and impact each others minds and brains through exchanging energy and information with each other.  The structure of our brains is actually hardwired to be connected to other brains.  This is an extremely important fact for all of us since we are obviously influencing each other’s minds through our interactions.  Knowing this can give us a whole new perspective on how our behaviors affect each other.

Parents please take note of how important your actions are in shaping your children’s minds.

Happy Ours is a fantastic, transformational two hour after-work gathering. It is an evening of having your most burning questions answered, your problems addressed, and you’ll be given the tools to rise to your most empowered and authentic self.

I will help facilitate sharing our profound wisdom and lead discussions in a relaxed, intimate, inspiring setting. Helping you to get over your humps, whether they be work-related, relationships, general anxieties or sadness. Happy Ours will be connecting a network of people committed to helping and supporting each other. Together we will:
Attract people seeking a community that supports them to grow, and feel good about themselves and their future
Create a safe space to voice vulnerabilities and insecurities
Reveal the universality of our issues and feelings
Provide tools to practice at home

The goal is to elevate each other, helping us become more open, honest, compassionate and generous, thereby, we will naturally elevate our respective communities.

When: Tuesday night, January 17th 2012, 7pm
Where: Pine Tree 101 West 17th Street NY, NY 10011.

Space limited to only 15 people per a gathering, so please RSVP to reserve your space. Tickets are $15 at the door.

RSVP by facebook or to:
Chrissie Dowler
Senior Event Coordinator
Happy Ours
917.679.5854

cdowler@gmail.com

As many of you know I am in Hawaii – in paradise.  Being in the presence of these magnificent islands brings home how magical and miraculous nature is.  I will get into the trip and share some pictures in a future blog.  Right now I want to reflect on how magical and miraculous human nature is.  We are so frequently exposed to the dark side of our nature that we often forget the beautiful light we can be.  This new year needs to be about our light.

This is a year to jump, to take on doing something you have always wanted to do and do it.  It is a time to get out of your head and into action, to take on integrity, authenticity and bring out your miraculous nature.  Each one of us knows in the deepest part of our selves our capacity to give, forgive, shine, and love.  We tend to dream of what could be without realizing that we can make our dreams come true, when we find the courage to act.

What have you always dreamed about doing or changing in your life? What single act of courage would bring it about?

Two days ago, I jumped out of an airplane 10,000 feet above Kauai’s magnificent sunrise. A big part of me is still reeling from the experience.  I have wanted to experience skydiving for as long as I can remember, but it always lived in the fantasy realm – I never thought I would actually do it.  Even as I sit here now, it is hard for me to fathom that I got into a tiny little plane, barely holding 4 people and a pilot, watch it slowly, very slowly, climb up to 10,000 ft – we were in the clouds – then jump into the clouds.

But something huge happened when my feet touched the ground. I knew I had conquered another one of my fears.  I felt a sense of courage unlike anything else I have ever done.  This was my next step to freeing myself to find the miraculous within me.  You have your next step to freeing yourself to discover another piece of miracle within you.  What is yours?

Wishing you a healthy, joyous, peaceful, and loving New Year!  May you realize all of your dreams.

The answer is actually rather frustrating.  Frustrating because fear is triggered by some chemical reactions in our brain in response to perceived threat.  This is known as the fight or flight response.  Thousands of years ago when our ancestors came face to face with a dangerous animal this system was very adaptive as it set off an automatic alarm to which they would react before they had time to think about it.

The problem is that in today’s world this system is often set off by a perceived threat that is not based in realty.  Most of its triggers were put in our minds  when we were vulnerable and helpless children.  When we experienced a frightening situation an alarm system would set off and anything related to that situation would then be encoded as dangerous.  This encoding remains in our memory and as adults whenever we encounter a situation resembling our childhood experience the fear gets triggered as if we are back in the original situation.

A perfect illustration of this is my past terror around bees.  Every time I saw a bee I would literally become paralyzed with fear.  As soon as I could I would run with all the power I had in me.  In this case I knew when the original trigger was planted.   When I was seven years old my sister got bitten by a bee while she was flying a kite.  I was standing by her and when I heard and saw her terrified reaction to the sting; my brain encoded that terror as if my life was in danger.

That terror stayed with me until twenty years later.  I was standing in front of my building with Leor, who was seven years old at the time, waiting for his day camp bus to pick him up in the morning.  Suddenly a bee showed up and started buzzing around me.  I screeched in terror and began to run.  From the corner of my eye I could see Leor’s reaction to me and I immediately realized that I was transmitting this terror to my child.  I stopped in my tracks, collected myself and went back to him laughing and playful.  I was not about to transmit my fear to my son.

All of our fears work this way. So many of them were transmitted to us inadvertently by our parents or community when we were young.  Once our system programs these fears, it is very difficult to rid ourselves of them.

Two things overcome this powerful biological defensive mechanism, LOVE and COMMITMENT TO TRUTH.  When we let ourselves be controlled by our fears, we stop living our lives fully.  When we transmit these fears to our children, we sentence them to the same fears.

You have the power to rewire this fear system.  It requires knowledge of how it works and the commitment to override it.

Generally, I do not allow myself to get hijacked since I ground myself in the knowledge that I want the results more than I want to escape the feelings.  In this case, I want to create an interesting and exciting page for our AWARENESS app, which hopefully will inspire people to get engaged with this work.  I remind myself that it is not so hard, even if it feels hard, and that in time, with practice, I will know this terrain as much as I know my emotional neighborhood – well, probably not – but well enough to feel more comfortable.

So when I hear “It’s so hard” from others, I can relate completely to the feeling.  The emphasis is on the feeling. Remember, feelings are just neurotransmitters, chemicals released in your brain, they do not define reality.  Our system is wired to stay in a comfortable and effortless state.  Learning a new task usually makes us feel clumsy and awkward at first.  The resistance is stronger when the new task is something we don’t enjoy or toward which we have some negative association.

Usually really important and worthwhile endeavors are going to be challenging: going to school, finding a job we love, finding a life partner we get along with, raising healthy happy children, losing weight, etc. We choose to pursue these because we want to experience their rewards: sharing, fulfillment, joy, good health, love.  When we live in how hard it is to attain them, we reinforce the neural pathways of “It’s so hard.” 

When we shift our focus to the reasons we want to work toward a particular goal or learn a new task, we ground new positive neural pathways like inspirations, commitment and tenacity.

Parents can begin to wire their children from the start to associate learning new tasks or pursuing new goals with a sense of adventure, helping them focus on the rewards and inspiring them to override their brain’s tendency to avoid or delay trying something new.

Learning can be exciting even when it is challenging.